Et tu, Howard? An open letter to Howard Stern

Howard Wack Pack



Dear Howard,

You don’t know me, although I’ve written to you over the years, and dedicated a book to you. I know how it goes.

Even though you don’t know me, you’ve been my anchor since I was in college – and I’m 48. When I discovered you, I realized that I wasn’t alone. I wasn’t the only one dissatisfied with so much of society. I wasn’t the only one who wanted a return to truth.

You were more of a jerk back then. I didn’t realize it, but when I listen back I’m surprised I liked hearing you. I must’ve been desperate for companionship. I’m an only child, and my upbringing was “odd” like yours. Yes, I guess it was your discussion of family that was a great draw to me. You were honest about the pain you felt. You dared to say that your parents weren’t perfect – and yet you did so with love. Your heart was in there, but harder to discern.

I also loved the characters like Mamalukaboobooday in the traffic copter. I loved Mrs. Rosselli carrying people’s possessions on her back. You gave me something to look forward to each day. It might’ve been the only thing I had to look forward to.

There was only one time I had to turn you off, after I got divorced. I was in my late thirties. You asked James Woods (that pock-faced, unattractive, older actor) why he dated young girls. He responded, “Why do people get puppies?” I was in despair, thinking no one who ever want me because I wasn’t a puppy anymore.

But people did want me, and life went on. I’ve been through a journey, and had six books published thus far – all while listening to you. You have been the one constant in all these years. You provided a home for the misfits. Your universe is like an Island of Misfit Toys. And there are people who became so much more involved with you than me. I’ve only had so much time to devote to you, due to raising my kids, writing and having a life. There are people who gave up having much in their lives to devote themselves largely to you. These people were your original Wack Pack. You rewarded them by giving them attention. You recognized them, and gave them purpose. You even gave them love.

And now you are kicking people out of the Wack Pack. Consolidating into the “perfect” Wack Pack. Isn’t this the type of thing Hitler was going for in Germany?

Not everyone is Bigfoot, or Beetlejuice. But people who have provided us with continuous entertainment at the sacrifice of pursuit of other things deserve the Wack Pack status they’ve had for all these years. They gave their all to you, and you are discarding them like older, worn-out dogs. You made Monotone Matt a Wack Packer after a couple of calls. Who the f is he? People have DEVOTED themselves to you – and if that’s not wacky, what is?

At the very least, call these loyal people who have served you faithfully “emeritus.” Have a heart – they gave theirs to you.

Why do I care so much? Well, I feel for them. I also feel like I know them. They are more family to me than many of my relatives.

But perhaps even more so, I care because your show has always been the same space for misfits. You’ve given them their place in the sun. If you shove them aside, you’re discarding us all.

We’re all a little bit Wack Pack.



Bye for now.

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