I’m fine. Actually, I feel good! I’ve been hitting the gym – a fairly yucky one, but it’s big and people aren’t pressed against me and I can use the machines I want in peace. I’ll take that over fancy any day. I do need to get my own exercise mat, because the ones at this place are grotesque. And really, what’s the point of using a “communal” mat? Might as well lie in the floor – except that’s even more grotesque. There’s a corner spot in this gym with a big picture window overlooking the parking lot, and when I lie down (lay down? God help me, that’s one grammatical rule that floats through my brain without a trace) I can see the branches of a big tree and that’s what I look at while I do my stretching and breathing. At the risky of sounding “granola,” I am at one with nature.
And at home I’m also one with nature, looking at the water from every conceivable spot in my house. Right now I’m in in my office, looking at the flowing current through my gauzy plum curtains. It’s like looking at the world through violet colored glasses. My office companion Molly is sleeping in front of my computer. All is well.
I don’t need the wine. It was just something to do to occupy myself, and to fit into society. I’ve always wanted to belong. I believe this is a universal desire, and at 48 I realize that I do in fact belong – all I have to do is accept myself.
All these distractions and addictions we burden and hurt ourselves with. They are just avoidance. How did we come to be so afraid of being alone and looking inside? Where did our insecurities and shame come from? We weren’t born with them.
Sitting with a glass of wine made me feel socially acceptable. And that made me feel more acceptable to me. A chilling thought, actually.
So there you have it. As they say in recovery, “Take what you want and leave the rest.”
I can take or leave wine. But if you touch my coffee, I will cut you.
Bye for now.